The Verge Review of Animals: the tortoise

This column is part of a series where Verge staffers post highly subjective reviews of animals. Up until now, we've written about animals without telling you whether they suck or rule. We are now rectifying this oversight.

For a brief moment in March, a tortoise captured the hearts and imaginations of hundreds of New Yorkers, most of them unemployed. I was among those who applied for the rare opportunity to get paid to walk a 17-pound tortoise around Central Park. Utterly crushed when I — someone who has zero pet-sitting experience — did not receive the job, I tasked myself with learning more about this creature, hoping to be better-prepared should I one day have a similar opportunity. It soon became clear that I had dodged a bullet....