This sweet baby gorilla will be named by popular vote, dear god

The Philadelphia Zoo welcomed a new baby gorilla to its sweet zoo family on Friday — its first in 20 years, The Philadelphia Inquirer reports. Like all nervous, expectant caregivers, the zookeepers baby-proofed the gorilla exhibit by removing nets, firehoses, and logs. Zoo leadership has so far displayed appropriate care for this miracle of life.

The baby gorilla will be named in a public contest. When I first heard this my instinct was to shoot a quick warning over to the Philly zoo team, regarding that idea. Nothing should be named by popular vote — not a boat, not a whale, not a Mountain Dew flavor — but more than anything, a gorilla should not be named by popular vote in 2016.

The gender of the baby is unknown because its mother,...